By popular demand, here is the skit as presented by James Pringle in our latest Podcast of The Unoffedable as Yuri, a bodybuilder has married a sex doll– as reported in multiple newspapers across the world. James, in good fun, located the secret diary of Yuri and wanted to share the entry’s with our audience.
For more on Yuri, you can follow him on Instagram.
Dear Diary, December 24
I miss Margo terribly. It is only first night alone and already I have made love on myself five times since I woke up. Which was 10 minutes ago. I don’t know if testicular fortitude will last or if I will die from cotton…penis. I wanted to say cock, but that would be uncouth. I must go now. Left hand feeling itchy.
Dear Diary, December 25
My heart yearns for the day where I can feel Margo in my arms again. The way her hands don’t grab mine. The way I don’t feel her heartbeat. I miss everything about her, even her unblinking eyes. I have confession. I have finished ‘The Bachelorette” without her. I won’t tell her if you don’t. I love Margo the way Tayshia loves Zac, although truth be told, I think he love her more. She feel like fake bitch, unlike my Margo.
Dear Diary, December 26
Do you like Fruity Pebble? I love Fruity Pebble. To me, it’s more dessert than cereal. Americans are strange bunch. Safe spaces, defunding police and seltzer beer? It’s like someone put estrogen in tap water. Speaking of tap, I can’t wait to tap Margo’s ass and create huge explosion like 4th of July or that crazy Tennessee bomber.
Dear Diary, December 27
I had weird dream last night. I came home from 25-hour workout session in gymnasium. I literally work out every muscle in my body. I opened the door and Margo was there and a mannequin was giving her mouth love right on sofa. I ripped him off of her but his head stayed buried in crotch and all I could hear was awful sound like vibrator eating with mouth open if vibrator had mouth. I stood there in horror as mannequin head went to town on my wife. I tried to rip the head off, but only ears came off. Meanwhile that sound kept on. Finally I punch mannequin head so hard it goes inside of Margo’s love tunnel and that sound keeps going. I reach inside and pull out head and out comes face of Mike Pence. He smiled at me and say, “Ha ha, it’s a boy.” At this moment I realize that Mike Pence has most beautiful hair in world. You could play golf on his hair and when Margo and I have child, we will name him Mikepence. Tolochko.
Dear Diary, December 28
Did you know that if you cut hole in watermelon…? Nevermind, I’ll keep to myself. Just know, watermelon -yes. Cantaloupe – yes. Butternut squash – yes. Artichoke – big no. Anyway, my friend Dolph Lundgren tells me three asshole on podcast make fun of Margo and my love. I will take this time to find out where they live and will make them pay. Apparently they make bad Christmas song and were never punished for it. I promise you, diary. Punishment is coming.