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Beer 52: Bikini Blonde Lager

by Kenny Turnage II

It’s Friday, and that means another addition of Beer 52. On this edition of Beer 52 review, I taste Bikini Blonde Lager by Maui Brewing company.

The way we have come about selecting our beers for tasting and review is about as basic as it comes. Strolling the beer aisles in our favorite stores. As I walk through I look for certain things one most important is a theme to tie in to what I’m actually planning on doing.

There is always a story behind an excellent brewing Company. Sometimes the story is theirs sometimes the story is yours. Well this brewing company is my story the Maui Brewing Co., they were found on accident.

I had chartered a boat for a day of fishing out of the port of Lahaina, the captain made it very clear no glass all beers had to be cans. So I set out to get myself a 12 pack for the next day. I head into the local Hilo Hatties searching for a brew and that’s when I saw it. Now I know this will sound like one of the old letters to Penthouse, but its true I never thought it could happen to me.

A beautiful yellow and black can with a blonde in a bikini caught my eye. I had to do a double take because I couldn’t believe the name Bikini Blonde Lager when looking at the can I said to myself “now there is a marketing genius, what person wouldn’t want to wrap their lips around a blonde in a bikini”.

So needless to say I bought myself a cool dozen.

As I stated in the beginning this is my story so grab a beer from the fridge and continue to read. The next day comes early, I have to be at the marina at 6:00 am to meet the captain. The deckhand comes up to me and asks if I’m their person since I charted the boat to myself. Let him know I’m their person.

Once we get on boat he explains that the Volcano on the main island has been going so fishing is extremely slow. So I gave a tone setting response as I was loading the ice chest.

“So you mean the worst thing that will happen is I get a private boat ride around Hawaii while drinking beer?”

He smiled and said

“I like your attitude”

We get out of the marina and are about 20 minutes into the journey, then BAM one of the poles goes off and I mean its singing. I scurry to the fight chair, get myself braced and the deck is about 2 feet away from me about to hand me the rod, and then BOOM fish spits the lure. I tell, I hate spitters. The deck hand puts the rod back in the holder and tells me

“That was your fault!”

Me:  “What? I didn’t even touch the rod how the hell was that my fault?”

He said, “ I saw the beer you put in the ice chest, and there is one rule to fishing! No self respecting fish will get aboard a dry boat open a fucking beer!”

The only thing I could say was” You’re right I should know better that’s my fault”

So I walked over grabbed one out of my ice chest and that was the first time I ever put my lips on a Bikini Blonde. That day went as perfect as a fishing day can go, ended up catching four Mahi Mahi, and one small Marlin all while drinking a dozen blondes and four other s (to be reviewed later) by Maui Brewing as well.

Returning to the Marina I was surprised, the Captain was extremely proud of the fish flags we were flying 4 Mahi Mahi markers and 1 Marlin. Once we docked it became apparent why he was so proud. The entire fleet of boats that went that day which was more than 20 came back with a grand total of 2 Mahi Mahi and 1 small Marlin.

Bikini Blonde Lager by Maui Brewing company is hands down my favorite beer, not solely because of the story I just shared, not because of the sexual innuendo that comes with it but because it is a damn good beer packing 4.8% volume. Its light enough to where you can drink them all day but yet has enough power to make extended family member tolerable. So I give this all available eagles and even one flying off with a fish.

For more on the Bikini Blonde Lager, visit them at https://mauibrewingco.com/discover_beer/bikini-blonde-lager/

Beer 52 Column Notes:

Our goal in this weekly review, Beer 52, is to drink beer over the course of the year and offer up a review. We rarely will select mainstream beers, but hope to provide you with reviews of a beer you may have never tried—sorry Budweiser, Miller and Coors.

A few things:

  1. I have to confess, I am biased and giving a positive review for a Pale Ale of any kind, will be very hard for me to do. So, for me it’s about Lager’s, Kolsch, Stouts, Wheat, Pilsner, Porter’s and other beers of these natures.
  2. Now if you’re the type of person that has your hair pulled back in some sort of man bun, bitch biscuit or twat knot and you’re looking for a review on some type of chocolate beer with pumpkin over tones now is the time to go ahead and go to your Cosmopolitan magazine and look for their reviews.
  3. When reviewing a beer or any other item here at the Unoffendable we will be using an Eagle Rating System. If its poor in quality it will be called an ill-eagle not recommended. Then we will go with a standard 1-5 Eagle Rating System.

If you have a beer you would like for us to review please e-mail me at Kenny@theunoffendable.com .

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